huntsman spiders are the bros of the spider kingdom.
see this shit?
these spiders will fuck your shit up. One day I was helping my dad clean the pool and there was a sydney motherfucking funnel-web spider on the bottom of the pool, alive, waiting.
they do this thing where they can form a bubble of air, and they fucking scuba dive with that shit. if you scare them, you have to be careful because they will run at you and bite you until they are confident you will die.
so dad proceeds do several things i’ve never seen him do before or since, he:
- starts visibly sweating and considering his escape options,
- takes a fucking knee in front of me, and
- tells me never to tell anyone else in the house what we found today.
then he gets the pool net and attacks the spider with a 2 meter long pole and disposes of the body.
huntsman spiders don’t spin webs because what fucking badass needs a web to catch stupid bugs? not these guys. their bites contain no venom because only losers fight dirty. and they proceed to go to pound town on all cockroaches that cause you grief because huntsman spiders know who the real bad guys are, and it ain’t the humans.
so let it rain huntsman spiders, shit, send me the huntsman spiders you don’t want in the fucking mail. they all have a home with me.